A year in review

It is funny how much our lives have changed in just one year. This time last year our home was being built and a dream of having a home to call our own was being realized. I had a job that was not ideal but it was a job and since it took me forever to find that one I realized beggars can't be choosers. Michael started a new school at Compass and it has been a bumpy ride for me.  Emotionally I have seem Mike grow and become a great young man.  I am excited to see him as he moves forward reaching the goals that he has set for himself. I am a very proud momma when it comes to my kids. Alyssa also started a new school, devastated to not be joining her friends at eagle rock.  She has had a lot of ups and downs as she tries to adjust to her new school without the comfort of her friends.  Alyssa is feisty and full of fire, she is so talented in anything that she sets her mind to. I hear her talk and see her as she becomes a young woman and I know she is definitely a leader amongst her sisters, as with her brother it is not a easy burden to bear with the twins but in the quiet moments I see the love that they share and I am grateful for that. Kaitlynn is my mini me, wired for sound from sunup to sundown. Life is her fire and she loves every minute of it. Her brother Mikey is her hero, she wants to learn to shoot a bow and arrow, she wants to learn to shoot a gun.. She wants to soar with the eagles, her laugh is infectious and to be truthful  we would not be complete without her. Sarah is my lover and my friend she just wants to be by my side learning everything she can. She is more worried about her domestic responsibilities than anything else. She is my organizer, my reminder, my morality police and when  things it to out of hand she is the one who calls me out. I cannot imagine my life without each of them as they all are a piece of our puzzle and without even one we would not be complete.

To start this new year I made the leap and found a new job with an incredible company. I for the first time feel valued and appreciated for the work I do.  I have a drive to do better and work harder it is amazing how much "value" really means. I look forward to going in each day and I work hard for these guys and it is very rewarding when I am told "good job!" Weird how those two words can drive my spirit but they do.  Moving forward is a great way to begin a new and I am mindful to my Heavenly Father and how he is ever present in my life.  He is always reminding me that I am not alone (even when I have my hands over my ears) and that I am his daughter, I have many angels who help him because let's face it.... I am a big package and I need all the help he can muster.

I certainly did not choose this single parent life. When I married there dad I had the promise of eternity but when those dreams faded I realized that our lives had to change. For the record I did leave and yes I take ownership of that but was was the alternative? I wasn't going to stay in a marriage where my kids would learn that love is just something left in a story book.  Did I expect that I would be single almost tens years later, um no but here I am. I do my best to teach my kids about life and love and all that comes with it, while relying on friends and family to fill in the gaps. I am blessed by all the hands who have helped me through the years and there have been many. Our journey is far from over but I am confident that the lord will continue to  oversee this family with his many angels both here and beyond the veil.

In a few weeks we will be heading off to go camping. It something that we have done together with my sister since Kim my father passed and I look forward to that time every year. This year we will build memories that will help us become bigger better and stronger and with any luck this year it won't snow!

I know I am not the perfect mom and I will never profess to be but I wanted to say just a few words before I close.

I know that I yell when I should whisper

I know that I should be a little more patience

I know that am a little strong with my expectations

I know that I should kneel to pray more often

I know that I shouldn't say the things I do 

I know that I am not perfect

When I yell it is because I need you to hear me.

When I am not patience it is because I am scared for you

When I ask you to do something it because I am teaching you something

It the quiet of my room I pray for you every single day

I sometimes forget .... we are not all perfect

Everyday I try to be a little better 

I can only promise that I will do my best

when I fall below the line

love me ........don't judge me.

Words of a mother

Michele

New Year

Happy New Year!

    This year I decided to be adventurous and go to a singles dance, while I have been to one other in my adult single life and it was a disaster I thought I would venture out again and go. Epic failure... so on ward and upward right?

 


  I have heard people say that they are happy being single and truly who am I to judge what feels right to them. As for me I am happy being a mom but there are parts of life where children should left to be children and not burdened with the fine details of life.  More over there is something to be said when you share your world with another soul, they help shoulder the burdens, they calm your fears, they are your forever friend. Being single is rough at best and someday I pray that I do find someone who will love me for me and for the gifts that I can bring and when that day come I will welcome it. It is lonely out here!! For now this is my road and while it is filled with pot holes and roses it is the road I chose and I am at peace with that.

Frustrated

I am bothered by the fact that man can call himself a father and then just walk away. 

My step father has been in my live since I was two or so he was the only constant male role model in my youth and while the lyrics to the song “walk a little straighter daddy” can be applied to him …in an abstract way it can also apply to my biological father in a much different way.(but that is another story)

I don’t remember having much of a relationship with my step dad as a child. But to be fair my memories of a child are spotty at best so who knows what it was like when I was a little girl. Speeding up to my teenage years my Step father was there for me, he protected me from the stupid boys I would bring home, and he taught me how to fix my car, change my oil and not be that clueless girl who didn't know what to do when the red engine light came on. 

Several years ago he was hospitalized and had to open heart surgery, I took time off to be by his side and on one occasion I walked into the ICU and he was bleeding out and I had to tell the nurses to help. After being by his bedside while for several weeks putting my little family on hold he told me to leave him alone and to get out of his room. I did, I cried all the way home and for the past several years I haven’t heard anything from him and quite honest haven’t had the desire to do so.

Recently I was lucky enough to get to build my home through a national organization and consequently I was in the paper a few times. About a month ago I come home from work and he is sitting in his truck waiting to talk to me.  I wasn't interested but I knew that my sisters were so I called them over and gave them space to talk to him because he had also alienated them as well although for much different reasons. 

For the last several weeks he just shows up at my house, like nothing has happened and I am supposed to embrace him. ARE YOU KIDDING ME! Where were you when my world fell apart when my father passed away,where where you for the birthdays, holidays, the good the bad and ugly... Where have you been for the past six years? My son knew you as grandpa and you chose to take yourself out of his life and now you want to just come back and play happy family. Then you tell me you love me and expect me to say I love you back …Not going to happen.

I have been hurt enough by the men in my world, they cheat, they lie, and abandon their family for their own selfishness…I realize it may not be the most Christ like thing to say but the reality is that this legacy has to stop and I have to be the one to teach my children not to let people treat a relationship like a revolving door where you can come and go as you  please without regard to people’s feelings.

Perspective

        Today is a good day in the world of a mom/dad. These days granted seem far and few between as I am in throws of raising teenagers. The tough reality is keeping them grounded and I don’t mean to their room. The world offers so many more interesting things than a run of the mill mom does. As we take this journey it leaves me to reflect and so for better or worst here is my reflection.          I often find myself in a position where I need to put myself in check, what I mean to say is satin sure make the other side of the fence look a whole lot greener. 
        As I stand here in this very spot I can see the beautiful fence that surrounds and even greener pasture filled with colorful flowers of every shape and size, the birds are singing a wonderful song, there is a house, as it stand in its glory it is quite grand and I can see it is plenty spacious and here we are on the opposite side the five us with our moths all agape. It is easy to see how someone can look as though they are living the high life while I carry the all the heavy burdens.  Satin makes it as easy as the words slid off my tongue temping me with sensations of gratification using all my senses to draw me in to his movie.

      As a grape shrivels in the hot California sun so will the soul if it is exposed to the satin.  He takes all and gives nothing in return but emptiness, doubt, heartache, a great feeling of worthlessness. The energy that it takes to judge or throw the stone over that fence is small at first, but as you bent over to grab the next stone to cast it is not your physical body that takes the toll it is your spirit. We are natural man it is what we do, pick and pull at those who have wronged us and pass judgment but only in the end it doesn't truly heal our broken heart, it doesn't solve the issue at hand it gives fuel to satin ever burning desire to convert us.

            I have seen firsthand what the will of satin is capable of, he makes the things of the word so intriguing and alluring that at first you are captivated almost hypnotized by the color and while your spirit is telling you to close your eyes and turn away it is satin whispering assurance that it will only be for a minute, or you aren't doing anything wrong.  

     Where a tall youthful man once stood there is now a skeletal of a man, broken, without desire or will so he pushes on with evermore regret unable to enjoy the life he has dwindled away in the darkness of the world. The insecurities, self-deprivation, self-loathing is all the air he can breathe. The children who surround him have never known the great spirit which dwelt in his temple before satin destroyed it.  It is a constant battle as I stand on this side of the fence watching over at the other side, with my children in tow knowing that they do not have all that they should.  As I reflect I realize too that he has nothing in his life and now as he grows older and he is seeing the consequences of his action he is now at a crossroads. 
       I pray for my children that he will be able to find a way to overcome the power of satin and find it within himself to rise above the ashes and be the man god intended him to be.  If in the end if he falters and is not able to break the bands that hold him now, it is my peace that I don’t have to be the one who judges him.  “Jesus take the wheel”, is a poignant reminder that it is not up to me to make him be accountable no matter how much I want him to be. Make NO mistake I want him to be accountable but it is wasted energy that I can surely use somewhere else.  That was a lesson learned many years ago and while I still struggle it is time like this where I am able to reflect and realize I am accountable for my actions alone and if spend my whole life throwing stones at those who have wrong me or my kids what am I teaching them.  They deserve so much more and while I wish I was married to a man who adored my children and gave them the love and counsel they crave that is not our story. As for today I can only pray that I am able to surround them with great leaders and confidants who will encourage there brilliance, feed their spiritual hunger, and en-robe them in the tools that will give them the greatest happiness.  I am blessed and while satin would have be believe that I have been shafted or wronged, it is just the path I chose based on the decisions I made. I chose the path less traveled I knew when I was called to come to earth this life would be very difficult, but in the end I knew the reward was worth the price of this life so I said yes. My children also knew this but they accepted the call to be in this family the way we are now, they had faith in me before I ever dreamed of them so it is with them and for us that I will continue to push forward and take us home.  Now if I can just keep that in mind and stick to it even when the world around us comes crashing down, we will be good. 

A thought

It ‘s it funny that when we are in your youth and we have our first love the anguish that we feel is insurmountable and we feel as though we will never survive. Then we realize what love truly is as we meditate and wait those long nine months to hold that precious bundle.  The love of a mother is matchless when it comes in the scope of “other” loves.   In that moment as a mother we join club where we get that knowing look when we have barf on our shoulders or a screaming toddler who just won’t listen to reason. For some there is another club, this club is a silent one as well only this club has few members. The looks we get are knowing and tender because they too know the loss, the emptiness that consumes our souls. The y understand  the aching of our arms when we leave the hospital with out our child like other mothers do.

 It has been seventeen years since I walked out of the hospital in Utah without my baby girl. I read some books in hopes that they would heal my heart but they didn’t ….. I read more books in hopes of some kind on band aid that would close up the bleeding wound in my heart … I did not find one. What I did find in all my reading was that I was not alone. There are other women out there who understand my heartache and they understand my profound desire to make my baby be something in this world.  I wanted others to validate her existence, celebrate the little bit on time on this earth that she shared with me. The reality was I didn’t know how to find those women and I didn’t know how I could heal my heart.

Just one year ago I got the call from my sister that I would never wish on my worst enemy. My sister had unwilling joined the club.  As I drove to Utah to be by her side I remember praying for a miracle that some how the Doctors were wrong and the baby would live. I pleaded with heavenly father to take away this burden and if there was a way give it to me because I could bear it and would gladly. Three hours later I was besides her crying knowing full well that there was nothing I could do.  I held her hand as she was ushered he still born child into this world. .  I encouraged her to push and kept her forced as she gave birth to an instant angel.  I watched her hold her baby girl and in her eyes I saw myself only seventeen years ago. I felt her heartache as I had felt my own. In a still frame of time it was me sitting there on that bed holding my baby and looking into my mom’s eyes asking why me? I saw it in my eyes as she looked on her mother with that ach that ripped at our very core. It is that “save me mommy” I am dying inside look that I gave my mom.  I found myself caressing the little angel in hopes that she would miraculous start to breath for just a moment to know what it felt like to be held, to look upon her mother’s eyes, to know the love that surrounded her.

The ach in my heart is ever bearing as I recall those tender moments in the hospital room.  For mothers who are members of this club…. The only solace that I can offer is that you are not alone.  There is no time frame or time table that says you are healed. If you are searching for that it will never happen. My best advise is find your faith what ever it maybe, see though your faith the peace that will give you strength. Talk about him or her, rejoice in the moments you have had and let them carry you through the tough times. Every day is a new day, reach for a new beginning …knows you are not alone, find a support group that you can go to. Talking and remembering helps, while the pain and the feeling of emptiness will never fully go away you will find ways to cope and in time you will look back on this journey and find your purpose. 

The Next Six Months

Things are changing fast in our little world that is for sure.  I have made some changes in my our life as it pertains to my education.  This summer I will be receiving my Associates degree in Paralegal studies, then in the fall I will be going back to school. I am not sure what I will major in but I do know that I have to go back and get a Bachelor degree.  I would love to go to school for a culinary arts degree but that would mean that we would need to move and that is now no longer a possibility.

This is the land where our house will sit.

        In just a few short weeks we will be begin the process of building a home.  It is through the habitat for humanity program.  It is kinda of a weird situation because a few weeks ago I was super depressed about not being able to provide my family with a home that we could call our own.  I remember it as if it were yesterday, my dad's voice in my head saying have you looked every where Michele?   As the day progressed my thought of my cousins and how they had built their home in a similar way, I looked up Habitat for Humanity in Idaho falls then printed out an application, drove to the office dropped it off.  The next day I can a call, they wanted to meet me and the rest is history.  Now I have 200 hours to donate and 50 of them can come from my family and friends. I am currently in the first 50 hours where I which will need to be done before I can break ground. It is a struggle putting in the hours especially with the weather and how well mother nature wants to behave.  School is certainly a factor as I am in my next to last class before I start the capstone classes to get my degree.  Work is still full time and very stressful, especially since I am new in the insurance world and don't have my base.  It was hard to split my time between work and school and now we have to factor in the house.. whoa it will be very hard but the pay offs are already starting to fall into place and that is what I want in the end. 

I have started  a tweet account to keep my family in the loop about different events and ways to help!  As soon as I figure it out then I will let you know.  Let me close by saying I am blessed beyond measure with my family beyond the veil cheering me on and letting me know they are here by sending messages to me.  I might be crazy but I prefer it that way. My family here on earth supporting me and always willing to lend a hand which ever way I need. My children for reminding life is to short and that I need to do my best every moment because tomorrow may not come.  I am loved and I would be a fool to deny it, to my family I say thank you, I love you and to my heavenly family I ask that you never forget us, always protect us and know that I love you.  In the end I am thankful for an eternal family and to those who laid the foundation for us to be together forever ...in and bad times.

The Kids

Michael will be starting Drivers Ed, so if you’re around this summer just stay off the sidewalks and you should be safe. He is also starting at a New Technology school in the fall, he is one of the first 150 students in Idaho to go there and he is very excited.

 Alyssa is in YM now, I am not sure I like that she is growing up so fast. Alyssa loves to draw and is very good a designing clothing.  

 Sarah, is my little mamma bear, she keeps me centered and these days I need it. She loves to play dolly and school is something she does because she is required too.

Kaitlynn is just a little Michele, and that scares me to death but in farness I wouldn’t have it any other way. Kaitlynn is doing well in school and loves to read.

All the kids started Karate in November and in about three weeks will be earning their first colored belt.  They are pretty excited to be getting there first colored belt